Eleven pounds later and I feel better

I pretty much stopped eating after my last post. All things considered, I may be taking in 400 to 500 calories per day in coffee creamer, sugar-free handy candy and gum, soup broth, and raw apples (small) and baby carrots. Aside for a salad at  social occasion on Thursday, I am meal-free.

The results are mixed. I am never hungry, because of the candy/gum, but I am always bloated, so I don't feel any less heavy than when I stopped eating. I expect this to pass in time. Even so, I have dropped 11 lbs. That's incredible. More than a pound per day with extremely minimal suffering. I miss cooking. That's my suffering. Along with the bloating.

My blood-sugar is in the normal range for the first time in a while. I am still taking a multivitamin and drinking plentiful of fluids. My energy level is unchanged, except that caffeine seems to give me a slightly bigger boost. I am concerned about the lack of protein, but I think if I add light tuna that might take care of it. I am sleeping well and dreaming of mostly pleasant things.

My birthday is tomorrow. I do not plan on eating anything in celebration, but I am banking the day, so to speak, for when my weight is under control again. Then I'll splurge. Maybe a full-sized apple. Kidding! Whatever and whenever, it will be something with chocolate involved.

I'm not especially worried about disordered eating on a clinical level. At the end of the day, I love food too much to give it up forever.

Kind of having a shit day

Why, yes, I am resorting to stock photos!

And since it's close to two in the morning, I'm not sure which day I mean - technical yesterday or technical today. Maybe both, in which case it's a shit weekend.

I have a lot of issues right now, ranging from new job to slowly dying car to unrequited love, and that kind of glosses over a few things. But the one that keeps me up at night fabricating fantastic plans and just plain torturing myself?

My weight.

For those of you who haven't seen recent pictures, I am a Hobbit-like creature with small boobs and an enormous butt. Brown hair and a moon face pretty much complete the picture. My DNA is human, but the resemblance stops there. Phenotypically, I am all monster, albeit not a scary one. Just sort of discomfiting and pitiful (on my better days). Like a vintage Troll doll, only generally clothed. Hairstyle may vary.

Is that a Packard??

Anyway, my weight. All other physical flaws fail to compare with that one. I went from an okay 150 lbs about 15 months ago to 185 lbs as of Tuesday. My doctor would back my play here - it's primarily been due to emotional eating due to stress, along with higher doses of insulin (Type I diabetic coming at you) to combat food-induced high blood-sugar. Old-school - I should stop eating so much, but have no willpower and am thereafter sub-human. New school - I have an unhealthy relationship with food and if I fix my psychological problems, I'll stop eating so freaking much.

I don't entirely subscribe to either school of thought, although I think they both nail it when they indicate that it would be good to stop eating so much. As a digression, I am also in a job that keeps me sedentary in a big way, compared to my old job where 10,000 steps a day was not even a proper challenge. But...exercise and weight don't correlate the way that food and weight does. Plus it takes like what? eight flights of stairs to burn of a single whole-grain Cheerio? A marathon to burn a half-cup of pasta? Somehow, I don't see myself burning off my caloric intake any time soon.

So it stands to reason at this point that I should make it clear that I want to lose weight and if possible, be 150 lbs again.

Things that would help:

• Jardiance or Victoza - these are diabetic medications that have helped in the past, but are not covered by my worthless insurance and/or are too expensive. Jardiance is pretty amazing. Victoza helped me skim off about 12 lbs.
• Gastric banding - yes, I am totally serious. I have the requisite BMI and medical condition. I just don't think I have any way to pay for it or the sick-time required to have it done. I'm at three days right now. Maybe some day?
• A low-carb diet plan that I can stick too. I did South Beach and Primal Blueprint. I lost a ton on both of them, but then boredom set in or it became too expensive or life hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm pretty sure other suggestions for this list would include appetite suppressants (don't work on emotional eaters), Weight Watchers (not a joiner), getting off Prozac (need to function - sorry!), and seeing a nutritionist (I don't think we have those here).

So right now I'm at an impasse. I am going to try to reduce my carb and calorie intake, using a...let's call it a Thinspiration image...to remind myself daily, if not more often, why I need to lose weight now. I'm sure anyone who's good with context clues can recognize why now. I'm also going to try and get approved for Jardiance again, or failing that, something in the same broad family of drugs that my insurance (eff you, Humana) might actually approve. Lower blood-sugar, less insulin, less weight gain. I hope.

But even dropping 35 lbs wouldn't make me a statuesque blond, just a thinner, slightly less moon faced brunette.

I won't insult anyone's intelligence by complaining oh-crooool world about our value on beauty. That aspect of human behavior remains perfectly natural.

Just as I would remain the troll (doll) under the bridge.

Pudgy Puppy

I think most people have seen pictures of Gracie and realize she's slightly chunky for a two-year-old purebred German Shepherd Dog.

Her second birthday is Friday, btw.

I want to go on the record about this.

When I was her primary caregiver, she ate measured kibble in a bowl with clean water on the side. She got a dental bone one per week for her teeth, weight appropriate size. She received training treats during training. Once or twice per week she got a little cheese, meat, or a couple almonds to taste.

Now that partner feeds her, she gets...

• Kibble
• Cooked chicken
• Cooked liver
• Cooked pork shoulder
• Leftover meat
• Crab
• Cheese
• Salami
• Doggy ice cream
• At least five raw hide sticks
• Dog treats
• Butcher's bone

Yes, she can get all of that in a single day, except usually it's only two of the cooked meats, not all three.

This is why she's getting too fat. Plus, I'm having trouble taking her walking as much as I did because of the weather/season. She's over fed, over loved, sedentary dog!

Part of me wants to be in charge of her feeding again, but partner would not be amenable to kibble-only for our precious dog-daughter.

Our fat dog-daughter.

An interesting, if unhealthy, experiment

I have always had this fear that if I let myself eat an unlimited amount of anything I wanted, that I would literally not be able or even want to stop eating. Like one of those people who can win eating contests. Only worse.

Two weeks ago, I decided I would face my fear and see if that would actually happen.

My biggest fear-food is donuts. Or doughnuts. Your choice. So I bought...okay, let's just say I bought a creepily lot of donuts and leave it there, from Krispy Kreme, which sells the best ones in my area and is pitiably close to my house. I love their chocolate glazed and their iced cake donuts, as well as their traditional cake ones. So that's what I brought home...

And I began eating them.

And after seven and a half, I could not force down another single bite.

It was one of the happiest moments I've experienced in a while, because while that may be A LOT of donuts, it was not as bad as I imagined. I figured I would sail through the first dozen and just keep going. But not even close!

Better yet, it has at least temporarily cured my constant nagging doughnut craving.

Because in science, reliability is everything. I tried the same thing with cake (yesterday) and found that while a single slice of cake leaves me craving more, a third of the thing makes me wish cakes didn't exist at all. Score!

So I'm on my way to thinking that maddening, pervasive cravings can be treated, if not cured, by periodic over-overindulgence in the craved food. I'll see if my craving for either donuts or cake returns.

FYI: At all other times, I have eaten a healthy, normal, low-carb diet, so my weight hasn't fluctuated significantly during these two weeks. Okay...about two pounds up and down, like normal, but it didn't screw up my whole diet or anything.

Scale Shock

Like I have mentioned, I'm trying to get in shape, lose weight, be healthy, single-handedly stop the obesity epidemic. So imagine my surprise this morning when the scales told me that I gained oh...close to 8 lbs. over the holiday weekend, during which I was fairly active, although my appetite increased accordingly.

Not cool.

I'm having a regularly scheduled doctor's appointment tomorrow and I so didn't want to have gained weight for the official weigh in. I wanted to have loss some, of course, but would have been okay with maintaining.

With only 30 hours between the ugly info from the scale and the appointment, I decided to employ some drastic measures to fudge the numbers in my favor.

Note: please not to be imitating any of these as it could lead you to an eating disorder.

So far I have tried not eating, taking water pills, drinking tea, and moving around more to burn calories. Next up tonight, garbage bag + treadmill. Tomorrow, I intend to fast until after the appointment. Since I'm having at least four tubes of blood drawn, I still need to drink.

Results will be forthcoming. I'm just hoping to drop 3.6 lbs. Just so I don't disappoint my doctor.

And, yes, this whole process does make me feel shallow. I'll deal with that later.

Addendum: I lost 3.4 lbs without using garbage bags. The doc was not displeased. ;)