Saturday, May 9, 2015

Kind of having a shit day

Why, yes, I am resorting to stock photos!
And since it's close to two in the morning, I'm not sure which day I mean - technical yesterday or technical today. Maybe both, in which case it's a shit weekend.

I have a lot of issues right now, ranging from new job to slowly dying car to unrequited love, and that kind of glosses over a few things. But the one that keeps me up at night fabricating fantastic plans and just plain torturing myself?

My weight.

For those of you who haven't seen recent pictures, I am a Hobbit-like creature with small boobs and an enormous butt. Brown hair and a moon face pretty much complete the picture. My DNA is human, but the resemblance stops there. Phenotypically, I am all monster, albeit not a scary one. Just sort of discomfiting and pitiful (on my better days). Like a vintage Troll doll, only generally clothed. Hairstyle may vary.

Is that a Packard??
Anyway, my weight. All other physical flaws fail to compare with that one. I went from an okay 150 lbs about 15 months ago to 185 lbs as of Tuesday. My doctor would back my play here - it's primarily been due to emotional eating due to stress, along with higher doses of insulin (Type I diabetic coming at you) to combat food-induced high blood-sugar. Old-school - I should stop eating so much, but have no willpower and am thereafter sub-human. New school - I have an unhealthy relationship with food and if I fix my psychological problems, I'll stop eating so freaking much.

I don't entirely subscribe to either school of thought, although I think they both nail it when they indicate that it would be good to stop eating so much. As a digression, I am also in a job that keeps me sedentary in a big way, compared to my old job where 10,000 steps a day was not even a proper challenge. But...exercise and weight don't correlate the way that food and weight does. Plus it takes like what? eight flights of stairs to burn of a single whole-grain Cheerio? A marathon to burn a half-cup of pasta? Somehow, I don't see myself burning off my caloric intake any time soon.

So it stands to reason at this point that I should make it clear that I want to lose weight and if possible, be 150 lbs again.

Things that would help:

  • Jardiance or Victoza - these are diabetic medications that have helped in the past, but are not covered by my worthless insurance and/or are too expensive. Jardiance is pretty amazing. Victoza helped me skim off about 12 lbs.
  • Gastric banding - yes, I am totally serious. I have the requisite BMI and medical condition. I just don't think I have any way to pay for it or the sick-time required to have it done. I'm at three days right now. Maybe some day?
  • A low-carb diet plan that I can stick too. I did South Beach and Primal Blueprint. I lost a ton on both of them, but then boredom set in or it became too expensive or life hit me like a ton of bricks.
I'm pretty sure other suggestions for this list would include appetite suppressants (don't work on emotional eaters), Weight Watchers (not a joiner), getting off Prozac (need to function - sorry!), and seeing a nutritionist (I don't think we have those here).

So right now I'm at an impasse. I am going to try to reduce my carb and calorie intake, using a...let's call it a Thinspiration remind myself daily, if not more often, why I need to lose weight now. I'm sure anyone who's good with context clues can recognize why now. I'm also going to try and get approved for Jardiance again, or failing that, something in the same broad family of drugs that my insurance (eff you, Humana) might actually approve. Lower blood-sugar, less insulin, less weight gain. I hope.

But even dropping 35 lbs wouldn't make me a statuesque blond, just a thinner, slightly less moon faced brunette.

I won't insult anyone's intelligence by complaining oh-crooool world about our value on beauty. That aspect of human behavior remains perfectly natural.

Just as I would remain the troll (doll) under the bridge.

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