The awkwardness of guilt

Several years ago, my partner's brother did something that caused my partner to act in a way that I found abhorrent and still have trouble thinking about. That's about as specific as I'll get here, okay? During the ensuing fight between me and partner...I said some things about his brother that while justified at the time...I feel really bad about now.

I was right to be angry. It was pretty bad, all this stuff. I look back on it as objectively as I can and feel that any reasonable person would have experienced similar emotional responses to my own - anger, fear, disgust, mistrust, unhappiness, woe. It depends on previous experiences in life and world-view and all that. But in general, I still believe I was not wrong.

That said, the degree to which I was angry, not at my partner, but at his brother, was...inappropriate and ugly.

Partner does not remember the fight thanks to the special foibles of his memory. I remember everything right down to where I rested my hands on the counter-top of his apartment kitchen. Such is my memory.

His brother has no idea about any of this, except that partner did not repeat the set of behaviors involved because...I don't know...because he knew intrinsically that he might lose me otherwise. Makes me sound like a bitch, but trust me, we're all better off here.

So awkward guilt. His brother isn't the guy I thought he was back then. Or if he is, he's also someone else quite different too. Is anyone really only one person?

All through the holidays the things I said keep coming back to me and I feel so weirdly guilty about them, not because I shouldn't have been angry, not exactly because I should have focused on the more immediate problem - partner, not his brother - but because I can't reconcile the good feelings I have toward him now with the anger that I probably unwittingly carried with me from that incident forward. Plus I'm the only one who knows.

And the more I try not to think about it, the more I actually do, which is so unnecessary.

It's kind of a nice lesson regarding not letting myself get angry beyond a certain point or at least about keeping my damn mouth shut when I'm mad.

Canine loyalty is a myth

No, seriously, dogs are not really loyal. If they were, my partner would have been unable to steal the love and loyalty of the dog I raised from a tiny puppy (with virtually no input from him). As it were, he has done so. Gracie lives for him; she only tolerates me.

How was this accomplished?

After all, bonds made in during the puppy months (seven weeks to seven months) should be fairly enduring, right? It isn't like I left the country. I spend quality time with Gracie ever single day. I give her praise, treats, and guidance. And she absolutely loved me when she was little. From the moment I brought her home (I lived alone then), she never wanted me out of her sight.

That was then, as my partner is fond of saying.

After he moved in, his easy work schedule allowed him time with her that I just couldn't have. He would get home three and half hours before me some days. And he would spend the lion's share of that time with the dog-daughter. That's how he was able to usurp her loyalty, and I never even realized before it was too late. And even if I had realized, what would I have been able to do? Nothing. Unless I quit my job (not happening!), I would have been powerless to stop this.

So instead of having the devotion of a German Shepherd, I have a dog that likes me well enough, but really considers me...eh, just a friend, while thinking of my partner as her lord and master.

Don't get me wrong. I wanted a family dog for us for when he moved in. I wanted that a lot. BUT I also wanted to be included in that family, not just from my partner's perspective, but from Gracie's as well. I clearly do not have that.

So...dog loyalty...I'm pretty much calling this one a myth. They're loyal to whoever is convenient at that moment. It's no more complicated or mystical than that. And I have a very fickle and disloyal dog.

For the kicker: my partner blames me and won't accept any responsibility for doing this.

Getting another dog would not fix this; he would just take that one too. I think about it, even though I don't want another dog - I want MY dog back.