I pretty much stopped eating after my last post. All things considered, I may be taking in 400 to 500 calories per day in coffee creamer, sugar-free handy candy and gum, soup broth, and raw apples (small) and baby carrots. Aside for a salad at social occasion on Thursday, I am meal-free.
The results are mixed. I am never hungry, because of the candy/gum, but I am always bloated, so I don't feel any less heavy than when I stopped eating. I expect this to pass in time. Even so, I have dropped 11 lbs. That's incredible. More than a pound per day with extremely minimal suffering. I miss cooking. That's my suffering. Along with the bloating.
My blood-sugar is in the normal range for the first time in a while. I am still taking a multivitamin and drinking plentiful of fluids. My energy level is unchanged, except that caffeine seems to give me a slightly bigger boost. I am concerned about the lack of protein, but I think if I add light tuna that might take care of it. I am sleeping well and dreaming of mostly pleasant things.
My birthday is tomorrow. I do not plan on eating anything in celebration, but I am banking the day, so to speak, for when my weight is under control again. Then I'll splurge. Maybe a full-sized apple. Kidding! Whatever and whenever, it will be something with chocolate involved.
I'm not especially worried about disordered eating on a clinical level. At the end of the day, I love food too much to give it up forever.
Because repetition is inevitable and transformation is not.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Kind of having a shit day
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| Why, yes, I am resorting to stock photos! |
I have a lot of issues right now, ranging from new job to slowly dying car to unrequited love, and that kind of glosses over a few things. But the one that keeps me up at night fabricating fantastic plans and just plain torturing myself?
My weight.
For those of you who haven't seen recent pictures, I am a Hobbit-like creature with small boobs and an enormous butt. Brown hair and a moon face pretty much complete the picture. My DNA is human, but the resemblance stops there. Phenotypically, I am all monster, albeit not a scary one. Just sort of discomfiting and pitiful (on my better days). Like a vintage Troll doll, only generally clothed. Hairstyle may vary.
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| Is that a Packard?? |
I don't entirely subscribe to either school of thought, although I think they both nail it when they indicate that it would be good to stop eating so much. As a digression, I am also in a job that keeps me sedentary in a big way, compared to my old job where 10,000 steps a day was not even a proper challenge. But...exercise and weight don't correlate the way that food and weight does. Plus it takes like what? eight flights of stairs to burn of a single whole-grain Cheerio? A marathon to burn a half-cup of pasta? Somehow, I don't see myself burning off my caloric intake any time soon.
So it stands to reason at this point that I should make it clear that I want to lose weight and if possible, be 150 lbs again.
Things that would help:
- Jardiance or Victoza - these are diabetic medications that have helped in the past, but are not covered by my worthless insurance and/or are too expensive. Jardiance is pretty amazing. Victoza helped me skim off about 12 lbs.
- Gastric banding - yes, I am totally serious. I have the requisite BMI and medical condition. I just don't think I have any way to pay for it or the sick-time required to have it done. I'm at three days right now. Maybe some day?
- A low-carb diet plan that I can stick too. I did South Beach and Primal Blueprint. I lost a ton on both of them, but then boredom set in or it became too expensive or life hit me like a ton of bricks.
I'm pretty sure other suggestions for this list would include appetite suppressants (don't work on emotional eaters), Weight Watchers (not a joiner), getting off Prozac (need to function - sorry!), and seeing a nutritionist (I don't think we have those here).
So right now I'm at an impasse. I am going to try to reduce my carb and calorie intake, using a...let's call it a Thinspiration image...to remind myself daily, if not more often, why I need to lose weight now. I'm sure anyone who's good with context clues can recognize why now. I'm also going to try and get approved for Jardiance again, or failing that, something in the same broad family of drugs that my insurance (eff you, Humana) might actually approve. Lower blood-sugar, less insulin, less weight gain. I hope.
But even dropping 35 lbs wouldn't make me a statuesque blond, just a thinner, slightly less moon faced brunette.
I won't insult anyone's intelligence by complaining oh-crooool world about our value on beauty. That aspect of human behavior remains perfectly natural.
Just as I would remain the troll (doll) under the bridge.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
The heck is that?
Mad props to anyone who knows the name of this piece of farm equipment.
I've only seen a few of them so far, but wow! Any higher and people would be trying to drive under them instead of passing the normal way. Wild!
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Basic pic-spam from my new area
This is the river not too long before sunset. The shore you're seeing there is actually in another state. Unfortunately, so is the water, which is why we have nasty hard water on my side of the river. Our water is probably pumped from underground sources, like wells. Still...they can't stop us from looking at it, right?
About half an hour from the river within the bounds of a really big state park. Even this panorama does not do the vista justice, especially considering the reputation of Midwestern states from being flat and treeless. Anything but! At least here.
Also at the state park. The shelter dates back to the 1940s, but has been decently maintained. My camera gives a false impression of illumination, but the interior was actually fairly caliginous since it wasn't in use. I would love to the see the hearths lit, but alas! I doubt I ever will have an occasion to return.
The hill is pretty interesting looking. I saw it from both sides - in the park and the meandering drive back - and tried to think of what geological processes might have formed it and those like it nearby. My first guess was that they are moraines left by the outward edges of glaciers. Basically, just rock and sediment humps. But moraines are typically longer and rounded on top, not round. Who knows?
Anyway, this area is basically home for me now.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
One weird and vivid dream
I usually don't record many of my dreams anymore, owning to a lack of time and frankly, most of them not being that interesting, even to me. This one, however, is worth it, I think.
The dream took place in some poorly defined era of early modern China - people who know me well will recognize that this is due to my fascination with the Eastern world in terms of history and non-modern culture - along the banks of an enormous river and surrounding areas.
Some kind of armed conflict was going on. I don't know if it was a civil war or invasion. Everyone looked Chinese/Asian to me, including myself. I was a young Chinese women, probably around the age of 20, in the company of other young woman that age and slightly younger. An old man was in charge of a small contingent of non-uniformed fighters, mostly young men in Western dress.
The dream really began taking shape once fighting reached our side of the river, thanks to women archers on the other side, who covered the crossing from boats. They killed the old man's infant/toddler son by somehow knocking his creche into the water, drowning him in the bassinet. That took the fight out of him.
What ensued was chaos and running. I ended up trying to hide behind a door in an upstairs bathroom - I could still see the river through a window covered with fluttery, translucent yellow curtains. Needless to say, I was found out pretty quickly and made prisoner.
At some point - it gets fuzzy here - we were given a last meal that included shrimp. I tossed the tails over an outdoor railing to a very ill-tempered cat below who had yellow eyes and long, faded black/brown fur.
Anyway, the barge had a fire grate built into the floor/deck at one end, enclosed on three sides, but open to the main deck on the other. The idea was that the warlord was going to burn alive several young women from each province he had conquered. We were made to walk through a room that coated the bottoms of our feet with pitch. Then we were herded into the grate area. I think maybe a dozen of us.
We immediately began looking for things to put into the grate to cause smoke, so that we would choke or faint before being burned alive as that seemed preferable to most, but not all of us. I remember frantically scraping gray wood chips into the grate at my end.
Then the warlord came to us and asked each of us whether we could read and write, so that we could leave a record behind of where we had come from and so on. I told him that I could only read/write English. He told me that was foolish, but gave me a circular piece of paper and heavy writing instrument and ink anyway. The writing instrument was like a pointed ivory drumstick at least 18 inches in length.
I had a lot of trouble with writing and eventually just scribbled "remember me" over and over. I considered trying to use the instrument as a weapon in hopes of making a break for it or forcing them to kill me outright. Think about it - no one wants to burn, right?
As we were waiting for them to light the fire, I began wondering if I was dreaming and decided I had nothing to lose by trying to wake myself up. I succeeded.
So that was my night/early morning.
The dream took place in some poorly defined era of early modern China - people who know me well will recognize that this is due to my fascination with the Eastern world in terms of history and non-modern culture - along the banks of an enormous river and surrounding areas.
Some kind of armed conflict was going on. I don't know if it was a civil war or invasion. Everyone looked Chinese/Asian to me, including myself. I was a young Chinese women, probably around the age of 20, in the company of other young woman that age and slightly younger. An old man was in charge of a small contingent of non-uniformed fighters, mostly young men in Western dress.
The dream really began taking shape once fighting reached our side of the river, thanks to women archers on the other side, who covered the crossing from boats. They killed the old man's infant/toddler son by somehow knocking his creche into the water, drowning him in the bassinet. That took the fight out of him.
What ensued was chaos and running. I ended up trying to hide behind a door in an upstairs bathroom - I could still see the river through a window covered with fluttery, translucent yellow curtains. Needless to say, I was found out pretty quickly and made prisoner.
At some point - it gets fuzzy here - we were given a last meal that included shrimp. I tossed the tails over an outdoor railing to a very ill-tempered cat below who had yellow eyes and long, faded black/brown fur.
Then one or two of the young women and I were taken abroad an enormous (and fancy) river barge that belonged to the victorious warlord. He was huge man in armor. The armor did not conform to any particular Asian style, according to what I have found on a google image search, but it sort of resembles this without the helmet. He also had a drooping mustache.
Anyway, the barge had a fire grate built into the floor/deck at one end, enclosed on three sides, but open to the main deck on the other. The idea was that the warlord was going to burn alive several young women from each province he had conquered. We were made to walk through a room that coated the bottoms of our feet with pitch. Then we were herded into the grate area. I think maybe a dozen of us.
We immediately began looking for things to put into the grate to cause smoke, so that we would choke or faint before being burned alive as that seemed preferable to most, but not all of us. I remember frantically scraping gray wood chips into the grate at my end.
Then the warlord came to us and asked each of us whether we could read and write, so that we could leave a record behind of where we had come from and so on. I told him that I could only read/write English. He told me that was foolish, but gave me a circular piece of paper and heavy writing instrument and ink anyway. The writing instrument was like a pointed ivory drumstick at least 18 inches in length.
I had a lot of trouble with writing and eventually just scribbled "remember me" over and over. I considered trying to use the instrument as a weapon in hopes of making a break for it or forcing them to kill me outright. Think about it - no one wants to burn, right?
As we were waiting for them to light the fire, I began wondering if I was dreaming and decided I had nothing to lose by trying to wake myself up. I succeeded.
So that was my night/early morning.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Cooking lamb
I have cooked lamb before, but as part of a cassoulle type dish, so it wasn't front-and-center. Today, I actually am cooking an English cooking-inspired lamb shoulder and vegetables dish in the slowcooker. Happy Slowcooker Sunday!
Beforehand, I did some research on lamb. I had originally intended to marinate it overnight, but read in several places that lamb is so tender that a marinade can ruin the integrity of the meat. So I opted against marination.
Because I live in a small town in the Midwest, I didn't have the choice of cuts that I might have back home near Atlanta in an over-privileged suburban community. In fact, it was shoulder-steak or nothing. In a way, that made it easier.
Lamb has quite a bit of fat on it, and not knowing very much about the shoulder's origins, I opted to remove the fat pad thing and quite a bit of the other fatty bits. More on this later. After extensive handling, I understand why cultures that value cleanness also value lamb. Unlike handling chicken or pork, it has a nicer texture. I am not big on touching raw meat, but the lamb did not bother me in the least. It felt clean.
I couldn't determine the direction in which to cut the shoulder. The grain in beef is usually easy enough to find, although I'm a complete neophyte here, but the lamb was baffling. If it turns out that I did so badly as to render the lamb unchewable, I'll edit this post later.
The excess fat, shoulder bone, and a bit of attached meat are currently in the oven for the dog. She was very nice while I did my cooking and prep work, so I'm giving her the extras as her reward. Plus, yesterday was her birthday, and it wasn't a great one. I had to go into the 'office' for a half-day, so she spent more time alone than I wanted her to. Solution: lamb!
Anyway, the lamb is cooking and will be ready in about five hours.
I didn't work from a specific recipe, but rather read many recipes and noted the similarities, such as the inclusion of onion, garlic, and rosemary along with red wine. Potatoes and carrots are also popular. I added leeks and celery, along with black pepper and a hint of thyme.
I don't keep alcohol in the house on account of my ex and still being messed up and angry about that, but I found a sweet onion and burgundy flavor pack. I tasted it before adding and found the flavor pretty wonderful. We shall see.
Sorry for the lack of pictures, but the lighting in my kitchen is terrible right now.
Beforehand, I did some research on lamb. I had originally intended to marinate it overnight, but read in several places that lamb is so tender that a marinade can ruin the integrity of the meat. So I opted against marination.
Because I live in a small town in the Midwest, I didn't have the choice of cuts that I might have back home near Atlanta in an over-privileged suburban community. In fact, it was shoulder-steak or nothing. In a way, that made it easier.
Lamb has quite a bit of fat on it, and not knowing very much about the shoulder's origins, I opted to remove the fat pad thing and quite a bit of the other fatty bits. More on this later. After extensive handling, I understand why cultures that value cleanness also value lamb. Unlike handling chicken or pork, it has a nicer texture. I am not big on touching raw meat, but the lamb did not bother me in the least. It felt clean.
I couldn't determine the direction in which to cut the shoulder. The grain in beef is usually easy enough to find, although I'm a complete neophyte here, but the lamb was baffling. If it turns out that I did so badly as to render the lamb unchewable, I'll edit this post later.
The excess fat, shoulder bone, and a bit of attached meat are currently in the oven for the dog. She was very nice while I did my cooking and prep work, so I'm giving her the extras as her reward. Plus, yesterday was her birthday, and it wasn't a great one. I had to go into the 'office' for a half-day, so she spent more time alone than I wanted her to. Solution: lamb!
Anyway, the lamb is cooking and will be ready in about five hours.
I didn't work from a specific recipe, but rather read many recipes and noted the similarities, such as the inclusion of onion, garlic, and rosemary along with red wine. Potatoes and carrots are also popular. I added leeks and celery, along with black pepper and a hint of thyme.
I don't keep alcohol in the house on account of my ex and still being messed up and angry about that, but I found a sweet onion and burgundy flavor pack. I tasted it before adding and found the flavor pretty wonderful. We shall see.
Sorry for the lack of pictures, but the lighting in my kitchen is terrible right now.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Apples
I don't think apples are exactly in season right now, but a friend turned me on to eating more varies than my occasional Granny Smith. Because of that, I thought I would 'review' a few of them I have tried so far. Just for fun.
Pink Lady
These are generally a nice medium size with a pink to reddish color. In general, I have found them to be consistently good - flavorful and juicy with a decent crunch. I tried the organic variety by accident once and liked the smaller size, along with the retention of the good qualities of a regular apple.
Cripps Pink
These apples may look quite a bit like Pink Lady apples, although lighter in color, but the similarity ends there. They just don't have as much flavor. In fact, I'm not certain they actually taste like an apple at all. The Cripps are very woody. For those who want an apple that tastes like it came straight from an ancient forest, I'm imagining these are them, but not in a good way.
Jazz
They are very small, mostly reddish, and incredibly inconsistent, but the worst ones taste a lot like a lunchroom apple circa 1987. The better ones are crisp and juicy, but the others can be so mealy, that I'm wouldn't take the chance myself. They are often quite inexpensive, so if a lackluster apple is better than no apple, go for it.
Honeycrisp
These are huge and have the visual appeal of apples from a storybook. They also require a napkin to eat as they are the juiciest apples on this list. I don't juice, but I imagine these would work well for that, although, of course, I would guess they are higher in sugars as well. Still, they're my favorite of the bunch.
Organic Gala
These seem unusually likely to have minor blemishes, but they have a really unique flavor, enough sweetness, and a satisfying crunch. The size is at the small end of medium, which is great for those like me who've started watching their calorie count.
But what about Granny Smith?
I haven't had one in over a year, I believe, so comparing memory to recent taste wouldn't be fair. If I have one, I may update.
Pink Lady
These are generally a nice medium size with a pink to reddish color. In general, I have found them to be consistently good - flavorful and juicy with a decent crunch. I tried the organic variety by accident once and liked the smaller size, along with the retention of the good qualities of a regular apple.
Cripps Pink
These apples may look quite a bit like Pink Lady apples, although lighter in color, but the similarity ends there. They just don't have as much flavor. In fact, I'm not certain they actually taste like an apple at all. The Cripps are very woody. For those who want an apple that tastes like it came straight from an ancient forest, I'm imagining these are them, but not in a good way.
Jazz
They are very small, mostly reddish, and incredibly inconsistent, but the worst ones taste a lot like a lunchroom apple circa 1987. The better ones are crisp and juicy, but the others can be so mealy, that I'm wouldn't take the chance myself. They are often quite inexpensive, so if a lackluster apple is better than no apple, go for it.
Honeycrisp
These are huge and have the visual appeal of apples from a storybook. They also require a napkin to eat as they are the juiciest apples on this list. I don't juice, but I imagine these would work well for that, although, of course, I would guess they are higher in sugars as well. Still, they're my favorite of the bunch.
Organic Gala
These seem unusually likely to have minor blemishes, but they have a really unique flavor, enough sweetness, and a satisfying crunch. The size is at the small end of medium, which is great for those like me who've started watching their calorie count.
But what about Granny Smith?
I haven't had one in over a year, I believe, so comparing memory to recent taste wouldn't be fair. If I have one, I may update.
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